Hello, Cruel World is currently back on the shelves in its 4th printing, widely available in bookstores… AND NOW it's also a shiny new app for the iPhone and iPad. I am so excited, I can't see straight.
Too many people kill themselves for no other reason than their religion says they're better off dead than queer. I'm so sorry if someone is telling you that. It's just not true.
You probably already know this already, but I don't hear it said nearly often enough: It's not "the Christians" who go after gays, lesbians, transgender folk or bisexuals. It's not the Christians who walk calmly into church and assassinate abortion-providing doctors. It's not the Christians who wanna re-build the Berlin Wall across the southern border of Texas.
It's not the Jews. It's not the Muslims. It's not any of the wondrous sects and denominations that evolved from these world-class religions, becoming world-class religions in their own right. Those are not the folks who are keeping us in our sex and gender closets.
Sure, as sex-and-gender freaks, we might make some Christians, Jews and Muslims uncomfortable. They may not wanna hang out with us. But it's not them who threaten, harass, rape or kill us. It's the people who follow the fundamentalist canon of any religion, sect, or cult.
Fundamentalist canon is easy to spot, because it's all written with the linguistic trick of either/or. That's how it gets its strength. Fundamentalist canon says this is good, that is evil; this is right, that is wrong; this gets you into Heaven, and for that you'll go straight to Hell. Fundamentalist canon is unquestionable, unswerving, and unashamed of the violence committed in it's name. Fundamentalist canon says My way or the highway. We are damned if we don't go along with them.
If you're some sort of sex-and-gender outlaw and you're living in that kind of a world, get out of there as fast as you can! Find yourself another denomination of Christianity, Judaism, or Islam, or any number of other faiths that have more wiggle room than an either/or morality. Google around… you'll easily find yourself a congregation of people who know that God loves you just the way you are.
About.com has a whole page of alternative denominations who welcome LGBTQetc outlaws. That's good news, but that doesn't mean they're necessarily going to welcome you as a sex worker, pornographer, adult entertainer, sadomasochist or polyamorist. Some modern denominations of Christianity, Judaism, and Islam may indeed welcome you as a more radical sex and gender outlaw—but you might have to become the person who opens them up to the idea. For the latter sort of sex and gender outlaw, you might find more solace and support in Goddess-based religions.
Religion is fine and dandy. Religion saves lives. What the LGBTQetc movements need is more religion. What no one needs more of is bully fundamentalism.
People have been asking what I mean by mean, meaning what does mean mean.
I’m sorry. I couldn’t resist writing that sentence. OK, it's out of my system. So, really… what does mean mean? What does it mean to say Don't Be Mean?
I’ve been telling people for nearly four years that the only rule in life they need to follow is don’t be mean. It's not even a rule. “Don’t be mean” is a value, meaning it's something you can apply to every choice you’ll ever make for the rest of your life. If one rule can cover that much ground, I think that the rule deserves to be called a value.
So, we’ve got a value of don’t be mean.
So what, because what does mean mean?
And what did I mean when I wrote the damned thing in the book?
And why didn't I simply write, be kind. I almost did.
But people have ruined that word by calling for a kinder, gentler nation and then effecting a nation that's very close to the opposite. Another example: someone could consider truthfully that they're being kind to you when they stop you from being a homosexual… because then you won’t go to hell. It's become too easy for people to convince themselves that they’re not being mean when they simply call themselves kind. Nope, the word kind can be stretched way out of shape. So, be kind couldn’t be the rule.
But… don’t be mean? Aw man, I thought I’d nailed it. I thought everyone knows what mean is, right? Mean old man, mean girls, and hey… you’re a mean one, Mr. Grinch. But those are all pop culture constructs, not real meanings. And that brings us to the dictionary. You’d think the dictionary would provide some definitive clarity. Nonsense. Go ahead, look up mean in the dictionary.Mean can mean so many mean things, it’ll make you mean dizzy.
Failing to come up with a simple, satisfactory answer to the question, what does mean mean, I did what I always do when I don't know something… I asked my twibe on Twitter.
RT @katebornstein: Twibe: re "Don't b mean," peeps hv bn asking what mean means. Thoughts? Must it include intent to harm/steal/enslave? Hashtag #mean pse.
Pondering many points of view on the word mean helped me realize that mean is undeniably subjective. Nonetheless, we know what it feels like when someone is mean to us. Mean is a word we all learned as kids. It’s a word that holds a great deal of emotional power and history.
So, I don’t think it matters what mean really means in order to embrace the value, don’t be mean. I’m thinking now that it's enough that we care enough to ask the question, what does mean mean. I don't know for sure, but I'm willing to bet that mean is something we spend our entire life learning what it is… if for no other reason than to stop ourselves from being mean.So, until it runs out of juice, I’m going to stick with using the word mean. And I'll say it once again:
Please… do whatever it takes to make your life more worth living. Anything. Anything, my darling. Only one rule to follow—only one value you need to embrace—to make that blanket permission work: Don’t be mean.
Yep that works just fine for me. And it'll work for you. I promise. There's no need to fry your brains, trying to figure out mean. It's enough if we all just try not to be mean. Eventually we’ll all get a better handle on it. And I think that’s about as much as anyone can ask for.
Do whatever it takes to make your life more worth living. Anything at all. It can be illegal, immoral, unethical, self-destructive… anything at all if it makes your life more worth living. There’s only one rule to follow to make that kind of blanket permission work: Don’t be mean.
I’ve been telling people that for 4-5 years now, first in my book Hello, Cruel World: 101 Alternatives to Suicide for Teens, Freaks, and Other Outlaws—and more recently in my post for Dan Savage’s YouTube project, It Gets Better.
Since posting it up on YouTube, I’ve received a great deal more feedback. It’s the nature of the medium. Most people don’t write back to books. But they do write back to blogs, vlogs and tweets. Many of the responses to my It Gets Better vlog have been along the lines of thank you very much, and to that I’ve been saying you’re very welcome. But there have been many questions about this notion of Don’t be mean, and that’s what I’d like to address here.
What can you do when you are mean?
As much sense as it makes to embrace the value of don’t be mean, the bottom line is we’re going to be mean to people.
We’re human. We have tempers. We have buttons that other people push. We have off days when we’re cranky and prickly. Sometimes, we have to deal with people we don’t like, or people who’ve been mean to us… and sometimes we act or respond meanly ourselves.
All of us—even though we know better—we’re mean. And when that happens, the very best we can do is take these 3 steps:
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1) We forgive ourselves, cuz we're just plain human.
2) We apologize and/or make amends if we possibly can.
3) We try to do better the next time.
By doing those three steps—over and over, every time we’re mean—we learn how to not be mean. And we’ll go for a longer stretch time before the next time we are mean. And we will be mean again, whether it’s intentional or not. The deal is we try not to be mean. Good intentions count for a lot.
That old saying “the road to hell is paved with good intentions” is bull poop. The more good intentions we embrace, the closer we get to heaven. Never mind the inevitability of being mean later on down the road—once we’ve intended to not be mean, we get better at it. Embracing the intention to not be mean is in and of itself an act of self-betterment.
Can you be mean to yourself?
Folks have asked if being mean to yourself counts as "being mean."
Nope. You can be as mean to yourself as you need or want to be. Most of us are, anyway. I’m meaner to myself than anyone has ever been mean to me.
Sometimes being mean to myself is the only thing that allows me to go on living for another couple of hours, or day or weeks. I beat up on myself. I cut. I starve myself. I self-medicate with little thought to the consequences. Those are all ways of being mean to myself, and I do them more then I’d like to. But, by trying to not be mean to other folks, I’ve slowly been learning how not to be mean to myself.
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What if just being who you are is hurtful to someone else?
I’ve heard this one far too frequently: “If I come out as (fill in the blank), it will really hurt my (parents, friends, siblings, team, etc.).
Sometimes the very action or identity that can make our lives more worth living can seem hurtful to someone else. THAT’S NOT YOU BEING MEAN.
It is NEVER mean to follow the kind joy that lives in your heart. NEVER. If someone can’t handle the fact that you’re quirky by their standards, it’s on them.
And lastly, this question has come up more and more:
What if God just plain loves you… so you're not going to Hell?
Then you are a very lovely and lucky person indeed, and your God is super!
You can keep your Get Out of Hell Free card around for laughs.
It's been a terrible couple of weeks. Stories of LGBTQetc youth killing themselves have been hitting the web, it seems, every couple of days. It's been so intense that many, many people have begun talking about queer youth suicide. People have been railing about it, howling about it. Well bless everyone who's been doing that. And bless Dan Savage for starting up the It Gets Better Project on YouTube. This is my contribution to that project.
NOTE: THE FIRST 10 SECONDS OF THE VIDEO ARE GREY-ED OUT. I DON'T KNOW WHY!
BUT… IT GETS BETTER. OK. NOW YOU CAN WATCH IT.
In my video, I promise folks that they can come to this blog and get yourself a Get Out of Hell Free card. Well, click here to get your card. You can print it out and carry it around with you. Heck, you can even make copies and hand 'em out to your friends.
Here's how it works: you do whatever it takes to make your life more worth living. Anything. Anything at all. It can be immoral, unethical, or illegal (can't help you if you get caught on the illegal stuff). It can even be self-destructive. I often do self-destructive things because it seems to me—when I'm really down in the depths—that only the self-destructive stuff is gonna make life more worth living.
So… you do anything it takes—anything at all—to make your life more worth living. There's only one rule that makes that sort of blanket permission work: Don't be mean. That's the only rule you ever need to follow to make sure that your life is gonna get better.
If you're not mean, you can do anything it takes to make your life more worth living. And if you get sent to Hell for doing something that wasn't mean to someone? Hang on to the card. Give it to Satan. I'll do your time for you. Yep. I told Satan I'd do that, and Satan agreed that'd be a fun thing to do for all of us.
It takes true courage to follow your outlaw identities and desires in the world. Doing that nearly always ends you up with less worldly power. But I promise: you can always do something to make your life better every single day of your freaky geeky life.
I'm going out on tour, and I'm not leaving the comfort of my writing chair. You can come along too!
The reviews are coming in on Gender Outlaws: The Next Generation: one a day for the next nine days. Seal Press is the publisher of the new anthology. Their slogan is Groundbreaking Books, By Women, For Women. Well, they're stretching that slogan all out of shape. They came up with the fun idea to arrange for a tour of reviews from nine different corners of the feminist/trans/trans-friendly/and genderqueer blogosphere.
I've already had a chance to read the first posted review today. It's by Everett Maroon, and it's up on I Fry Mine in Butter. No puff journalism, this. It's a wonderful essay. I've posted a comment to the blog, and I hope to read and comment on each of the reviews as they're posted.
(Oh! I'm enjoying this almost as much as I enjoyed working with S. Bear Bergman and Seal Press to put this anthology together in the first place!)
So, here's the rest of the schedule. Enjoy the perspectives!
Friday, 10/8 – Mr. Sinclair Sexsmith posting on SugarButch!
I'll be tweeting each stop on the tour as it goes up. So… enjoy the next couple of weeks of binary-blowing gendernalysis. And please do join in the conversation along your way with comments on each of the reviews, and right here if you like. I am SO all aquiver!
Thank you for your continued or new interest in my work.
For the past fifteen years, I've been touring college campuses, conferences, and rallies with pieces that have focused primarily on deconstructing sex and gender binaries—and more recently, I’ve added suggestions on how to stay alive once you've done that. I’m adding layers of social justice, coalition-building, and laying open the very real heart connection that can be found in putting queer theory into practice.
With the publication of Gender Outlaws: The Next Generation (co-edited with S. Bear Bergman), up-to-date information on the ever-changing state of gender is yours to study, experience, and have fun with… right now! I understand that this isn't necessarily good news for everyone. It's hard to be the new kid in the clubhouse. What's more, the presence of new identities within a group puts a strain on the group's values and definitions. Oh, what to do!?
By combining what I've learned through writing Hello, Cruel World: 101 Alternatives to Suicide for Teens, Freaks, and other Outlaws with what I've learned from all the amazing contributors to Gender Outlaws: The Next Generation, I've been able to come up with a perspective and point of view that fosters inclusion over exclusivity, trust over suspicion, and compassion over bullying.
To that end, I've put together an all-new touring catalogue for 2010-2011, which includes several new lectures and talks, including my shiny new workshop, The Outlaws Are Coming! The Outlaws Are Coming! with which I hope to co-create with you a safer space for you and other teens, freaks, and other outlaws.You can peruse the PDF right here, right now:
That's my work these days. That's what I'd like to help you with on your campus, at your conference, in your town, business, or place of worship. I hope to see you soon.
I understand that a beloved artist, friend and lover has taken her own life, leaving a gaping hole where once there was life, love, and music. I didn't know DJ Mandy Rollins, but I do know what happens when one of our beloveds leaves us unexpectedly and forever. Please accept my most sincere wishes for comfort, strength, and recovery during this hard, hard time.
I'm an old thing, and I know a great deal about suicide. Please listen to what I have to say: You did not make Mandy want to kill herself, and there was no way you could have stopped her once she made up her mind to leave. Honest. That's how it works: we search in vain within ourselves to find the reason for the death of another. And sometimes, we fabricate reasonable arguments for our causality in the tragedy. We think: if only I had just… and … if only I hadn't… and I should have seen it coming.
My darling, she left because she felt she needed to leave. Please allow her that agency, and take comfort in knowing you were a beloved member of her tribe while she was alive.
Now is the time to mourn and grieve, weep and wail, laugh with tears in our eyes and share magnificent stories of our beloved's lifetime. Go ahead, cry. Your tears will not last forever, I promise. Your grief is not bottomless. You will once again celebrate life as you once celebrated life before Mandy left us all.
Talk with friends, lovers, ex-lovers, and those who made art with her. Give and take comfort and strength as you can. You will once again move through your life without the ache that's piercing your heart right now. I promise.
Most importantly—and this may be difficult indeed—please stay alive yourself. Live to celebrate the world that Mandy loved and celebrated herself—before it got too hard for her to go on. Do whatever it takes to make your life more worth living—every minute of the day. Do anything at all, just don't be mean to anyone. Your grief will pass. You will find more and more reasons to go on living. I promise.
I'm glad—very glad—that you're alive to mourn for Mandy. And I'm sure that wherever she is now, she's glad you're alive too.
I've just returned home to New York City from this year's Femme Conference in Oakland, California. The theme was "No Restrictions." My head is still dizzy and swirling. I met wonderful people, connected with many dear friends, and found myself a whole new set of dangerous dreams and damned desires to consider.
I didn't finish writing the address until the night before I delivered it to over 500 beautiful femmes, and those who love and celebrate us. I was scribbling notes on my notes until half an hour before I stood up. I told my twibe on Twitter that I'd make a copy of the text available for download, so I've integrated all the versions, and here it is in PDF format: Download KB_keynote_Femme2010.
Okay, it's late, Mercury is in retrograde, I'm exhausted and exhilarated and I'm missing my femme family. I hope you enjoy the keynote address and that it helps make life more worth living for ya.
As much sense as it makes to embrace the value of don’t be mean, the bottom line is we’re going to be mean to people. 
Folks have asked if being mean to yourself counts as "being mean." 
I’ve heard this one far too frequently: “If I come out as (fill in the blank), it will really hurt my (parents, friends, siblings, team, etc.).
